Few times in life, are we introduced to someone who can change it forever. A person so powerful, iconic, and motivating that you sometimes start to base your life off of that person’s actions. While some of you may feel as though that person has not yet come along, maybe what you don’t realize is that person is right in front of you, and has been for the majority of your life.
“When the seagulls follow the trawler, it’s because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea.”- Shia LaBeouf
I’d like to start by saying that if Nicolas Cage is reading this, he should know that he is an amazing actor. He is the second greatest actor in the world, and this article is in no way meant to downplay his acting, specifically in City of Angels or The Family Man.
You truly are a wop genius, however, your performance in Season of The Witch clearly shows that your age is starting to catch up with you. Unfortunately, you must now take a seat and let somebody else take over the throne…. Shia LaBeouf (commonly referred to as “The Mecca”)
I will begin by dropping some knowledge on you peasants. Shia’s first name is derived from the Hebrew Shai-Yah, which means “A Gift of God”. Likewise, his last name (French) means “I am”. Thus, in the instance of filling out a test scantron, or perhaps renewing an expired passport, in which you write your last name first, his name is interpretted as “I am a gift from God”. Shia pisses excellence. He starts his mornings with a gaggle of grapes in his face. He eats as many as he wants. If he would like more, he kindly asks someone to fetch him another gaggle from his garden on the side of his house. Shia chooses to have a queen size bed, which allows for his toes to hang over the edge when he sleeps. He once had a king but he auctioned it off, all proceeds going to charity. He enjoys a smorgessbord of fruit along with assorted breakfast foods such as garnished croissants with eggs bendict and a side of sausage links, with a cranberry juice. If his rest was adequate enough, he will make his way to his gymnasium. He knows everyone at the gym. Everyone knows him. He is the guy that people go to when they need a spotter, or even just some motivation. Why wouldn’t he be? Everyone schedules their workouts around when Shia will be in the gym.
After the gym, he’ll rent a redbox DVD. People see him buying redbox movies and they immediately wait in line to purchase a redbox movie (hopefully the same as him). As he drives home in his sage green Chrysler Sebring droptop convertible, everyone can’t help but give him encouraging honks to start his day. He gets home, he watches his redbox, and he enjoys a snack with his film. One of his favorites is Gogurts (frozen). Then he begins his day. Every day. Rain or shine. Dicks out for Shia.
In 2014, Singer Rob Cantor of Tally Hall was so deeply inspired by Shia LaBeouf that he created a short musical loosely based off of encounters with Shia during his first experience at a Foo Fighters concert.
Shia LaBeouf is a godsent gift to the entertainment industry. Some of his greatest roles include (but are not limited to):
LOUIS FUCKING STEVENS (Even Stevens)
I swear to god I agressivly jerked my dick every afternoon of the 5th grade because of Ren fucking Stevens. I think we can all agree that we owe Shia LaBeouf a big thank you. That thot Ren had another thing comin’ and Shia relentlessly ruined her day like a turd in a punch bowl. I swear to god, when he hit that bitch with a spaghetti filled remote-controlled beach ball during her graduation speech….I literally shit myself. I had physical poo running down my beanbag chair….and completely ignored it for the remainer of the episode…and the two after that. Thank you Louis Stevens. Dicks out for Shia.
STAN THE MAN YELNATS IV (Holes)
Where do I even start. My dude came fresh out the womb with a 150 year old curse of being at the wrong place at the wrong time, and he still managed to get the fuck out of Camp Greenlake with a gang of money, and presumably at least a blowjob from kissin K-B. Not only did he fuck around and make it to the top of God’s thumb, my dude carried Hector (who was faded off that sploosh) up that bitch and kept it 100 with Madame Zeroni’s fine ass. THEN, he made that hoe Ms. Walker sell her property, and threw a bangin’ ass party for all the day one’s. Armpit, Squid, Magnet, X-Ray, Zig-Zag. They were rollin up and poppin bottles poolside for who knows how long. Dicks out for Shia.
SAM WITWICKY (Transformers Saga)
You sandbaggin’ titty fondlin son of a bitch. So Sam gets shafted and is forced to roll up in a beat ass old camaro- some shit Dom Toretto would make you park down the street from his house- and he somehow uses it to get the finest piece of ass in school. So he shields that hoe from thirsty dudes, shoves a rubix cube in Megatron’s chest, and debatebly saves the world. The End. Right? Nah, my dude Sam was still horny AF. So he ditches the whip and the girl to go to college. WITHIN THE FIRST 24 HOURS Slammin’ Sammy already has a side bitch in his bed, practically soaking the sheets. Shit gets a little crazy and Sam finds himself in Egypt. He then says fuck a first wonder of the world, destroys a pyramid of Giza, finds the sun harvester, DIES, comes back with the matrix, I’m assuming taps that ass (main hoe) one more time in the desert, and saves the world again. Dicks out for my man Shia.
Never seen it, but I’m assuming he crushes all bitches, and every line
My man Shia gets stuck with a weak ass name, his father passes away right as he’s trying to finish his school year strong. Towards the end of the year Señor Gutierrez decides to take out the anger he has built up (probably from his wife hoe’in and his bald ass head) and flex on my dude Kale. K hits him hard with a right hook and drops his ass in front of the whole fuckin class! Right as soon as word gets out and bitches seem to be flockin for the summer, he gets blue balled and put on house arrest all summer. Anyway….a horny old man-with great hair-trying to get a peak at his mom’s meat wallet moves in and something ain’t right. Shia says that shit can wait. Cause K got his eyes set on that tight ass next door hoppin’ in and out the swimming pool, listening to Yellowcard and shit. So he gets her attention, bends her over on his patio DURING HER OWN PARTY, and then together (mostly him) they take out the dude trying to smash Ms. Brecht while the Spanish teacher’s cousin eats cheeseburgers. Dicks out for Shia.
Shia’s shit is so good I might play a movie or two at my wedding reception. Not only are his films the greatest films that were ever created, but he knows it too. In 2015, Shia played every single one of his movies in a row for anyone who wanted to watch them with him, for 3 days straight. Here are 10 hours of footage of only his reactions.
If I were to randomly come into a large sum of free money, I can only think of one thing that I would proceed to do. Most people would spend it on some bullshit vacation or attempt to save it for their kids’ college. Big waste. Huge waste of free money. If it were me, I would blow it all in one night and rent out one of those huge suites at the Palms with the overhanging pools. I would then invite Shia for the night. I would set up a few chairs for Shia and myself in a small area. I would stock the said area with things like mountain dews.
dispensers, booze, and cigarettes. Fuckin video games, projector screens, 2 of those hoverboard things, swords, heely’s that could fit adults, sock em’ boppers, Gogurts (frozen), Sunny D’s, old Guns N’ Roses concert DVD’s, movie quality character masks, and high caliber laser pointers. And no one would be able to intrude the area. Everyone at the party would be forced to watch Shia and I have fun, but they could not come into the area.
I salute you Shia LaBeouf. And I hope that anyone who reads this can agree that if he does not deserve a day of the year, he at least deserves some gratitude and support from his fans. Dicks out for you Shia LaBeouf. Centaur